/** ************************************************************************ * ************************************************************************* * The Non-Sequitur Express * "It's Tarellian Death Syndrome, isn't it?" * * Published at less-than-fortnightly intervals by Phillip Thorne * http://nsx.underbase.org/ * * Volume 2, Issue 20: Sunday, 06 August 2000 * ************************************************************************* * *********************************************************************** */ OBSERVATIONS & C: Premieres scattered across time, BotCon later. ERRATA & O+A+A: Uploading laggardness, BotCon successes. EPISODE SYNOPSES: The two eps of ABC's "Clerks". UPCOMING: Action Man, Escaflowne, Tenchi, etc. plus Legalese, acknowledgements and opt-in/out instructions. /** ************************************************************************ * OBSERVATIONS & COGITATIONS * *********************************************************************** */ Once upon a time, you could count on season-and-series premieres airing in September or, if you were forced to wait, October. Then somebody (or rather, a great many somebodies) decided it would be useful to have more than four networks, and somebody else(s) decided they could gain a competitive advantage by scattering premieres across the calendar. The upshot: I don't know *when* anything starts anew anymore, and even less can I track the plethora of *new* properties. I can but hope that what effort I expend is effort *you* my audiences members save, multiplied by your vast, vast, vast number. (Somewhere around 15.) BotCon and Fort Wayne reviews are forthcoming... as soon as I organize my thoughts. Sometimes it's a real curse, having a head *this* full of thinking thingies. They stick together in funny shapes, often pointy, and poke me. * Today's quote is from one of the most biologically dubious "Trek" episodes ever, TNG:"Genesis," in which the ever-hypochondriachal Lt. Reginald Barclay is diagnosing himself again. The plague-ridden Tarellians were introduced in the very early TNG episode "Haven;" Troi's fiance wandered off to join his telepathic soulmate and cure the disease. A chair aboard the Tarellian ship later showed up in Worf's quarters, and the ship model lost its giant glowing bubble and was reused for several subsequent species. /** ************************************************************************ * ERRATA & OMISSIONS, ADDENDA & ADMISSIONS * *********************************************************************** */ Have I apologized recently for not promptly uploading these issues to the web archive? I'm going to claim I do it on purpose, to *force* potential readers to subscribe in order to get timely TV listings. Yeah, that's it. Let's see, I was in a bit of a rush with 2.19... the Quintesson masks were very popular at BotCon, the easeloids were useful at the art show, the organizers did *not* in fact have panelist name placards and welcomed my contribution, and I wasn't the only random attendee handing out business cards to new acquaintances. /** ************************************************************************ * EPISODE SYNOPSES * ABC's "Clerks" * wed-31-may: Pilot * wed-06-jun: Episode Two or the Clip Show * *********************************************************************** */ Yes, ABC canned "Clerks" even faster than NBC excommunicated "God, the Devil and Bob." Let's see how long WB's "Baby Blues" (f-28-jul-20:00) or NBC's "Sammy" (t-08-aug-20:30) survive. THE FRIENDLY ROBOTS OF "FUTURAMA" WILL KILL THEM ALL! USING HANK HILL'S LAWNMOWER! THEN HOMER SIMPSON WILL EAT THE REMAINDERS! AND JAY SHERMAN WILL SAY, "IT STINKS!" In the first episode ("Pilot"), Randal Graves (the irresponsible one who's added a bouncer to RST Video) convinces friend Dante Hicks (the responsible overseer of the Quick Stop convenience store) to switch jobs. It's a disaster, and while cleaning the mess, Jay (not Silent Bob) slips on a puddle of carbonated sugar beverage. Randal foolishly suggests he sue, and then pursues/torments a random attorney from Leonardo NJ to New York NY until he takes the case. He then appoints himself Dante's defender (because in Virginia, anyone who passes the bar can be a lawyer) at a trial presided over by Judge Reinhold (of "Beverly Hills Cop") and juried by the NBA All-Stars, and promptly runs the case into the ground with irrelevancies (although he gets refunds from film directors whose sequels he disliked). Randal, Dante, Reinhold and Bob Barkley all dream different endings to the trial, and then... a splash screen apologizes that the remainder of the script was lost on its way to Korea, so the animators made up an ending: The chairman stands: "We find in favor of... [garble] party!" Narrator: "Yayyyy! Everybody disco dancing, big party, fun for all!" (Psychedelic colors flash as anime-shaped people gyrate.) "I am having very good time! Robot dancing? Oh no, police!" (Riot police storm the courtroom, and everyone spills out. The giant robot transforms and several pile in.) "Quickly, in here! Who is driving? Omigod, bear is driving, how can that be?" (Dante and Randal move to a different car.) "Car full of midgets! Here we are, Korean animation studio!" (The car transforms without offloading its squishable cargo.) (Inside, a giant rat whips the animators, chained to their desks.) Rat: "Everybody work! Everybody work! Everybody work!" Animators: "Big mean man whip us. We are slaves." (Robot punches through wall.) "Help us!" R+D: "We will stop you. There is no escape this time!" Rat: "No! It is you who will not be escaping." R+D: "Pikachu, please don't sue!" (Small yellow monster hops about and fires beams. J+SB peek up a sailor-suited blonde's skirt and giggle. R+D attack and are repulsed.) Narrator: "Axel Foley and Judge Reinhold!" (They stuff bananas into the rat, who laughs.) "How crude! Oh no!" (A random character appears, wearing wire-flight harness.) "You want the truth, you can't handle the truth, show me the money!" (His kung-fu boot crunches the rat's nose.) All: "Hooray! [Garble] honor!" (In the preceding, I identified individual speakers, but it's rather pointless as all the voice-overs are by a single Korean-accented voice.) In the second episode ("Episode Two or the Clip Show"), Randal and Dante get locked in the store's freezer, and flash back to (nonexistent) prior episodes, including prior instances of freezer- locking and resolutions to "make sure, whatever we do, this never happens again." Or the time Randal accidently acquired an Asian mail- order husband. Or when he and Dante took holy orders, but were accidentally married. The many times Dante's girlfriend was unfaithful. Yes, they're unlucky in love, but they're also unlucky at cards. Or the many (actually, one) time they used a rope to climb a sidewalk to infiltrate archenemy Leonardo Leonardo's HQ. They finally get out, then lock themselves in RST video and accidentally break the A/C control (set to "snow"). They finally escape (after forgetting the store's phone) and retire for a relaxing game of roller hockey, but lock themselves first in the rink, and then in Another Burn Ward. /** ************************************************************************ * ANALYSIS * Costume choices for Columbia's SPIDER-MAN film * *********************************************************************** */ A great many weeks ago (this article has been simmerin' in the stewpot for that long), photos were released of costume prototypes for the upcoming (November 2001) "Spider-Man" live-action film, evoking much discussion in AICN's "talkback" section. Reportedly Peter Parker's new outfit is red and black (not blue), with black (not white) eyespots; and the spinnerets won't be wristbands, but new organs in his wrists. As with the redesigns of the "Batman" and "X-Men" films, the break with historical precedent has upset the traditionalists. Comments included: * "Black is trendy, blue is heroic." * Black *was* the original color; only after the first few issues of the comic did blue replace it. * White eyespots would spring out from the shadows -- dramatic, but tactically prudent? * What material actually permits one-way transparency, and would a teenager sewing his own costume have access to it? * In the comics and cartoons, the eyespots are reshaped to denote expression (as with the eyeholes in Batman's cowl), but that would just look wrong in live-action. * The size of the spots emphasizes Peter Parker's wide-eyed, boyish, basically optimistic personality. * A few redesigns are warranted, because the tiny capsules of webfluid Peter traditionally loaded into the spinners never made sense. * He could have larger reservoirs on his belt, with tubes running up his sleeves. * If the bite of the radioactive spider *did* induce the growth of spinnerets, they wouldn't be on his wrists. (In an episode of "Darkwing Duck" that addressed the issue, the hero spit the webbing from his beak.) * Unlike other superheroes who may rely on armor, Spider-Man relies on speed and agility, *avoiding* blows rather than absorbing them; his costume must be gymnastically flexible. * His costume has to fit under street clothes. * Enhanced strength aside, a small amount of padding would be appreciated when slamming into walls. * Formfitting Spandex is rarely flattering on real humans. /** ************************************************************************ * UPCOMING * Series, Seasons, Episodes, Movies, Books * *********************************************************************** */ While I'm at it, I'm dropping "Roswell" (Ros) from the obligatory repeat listings. I didn't follow it beyond the pilot episode, but word is that Season Two may be more SFnal (that's "science fictional" for those of you not up-to-date on your fan neologisms) -- which would grant it a higher priority in my book. HEADS UP... The last six months' failed experiments in primetime animation weren't sufficient to dissuade further attempts, it seems. ("Home Movies," "God, the Devil and Bob," "Clerks," and the incomprehensibly-resucitated "Mission Hill.") The WB premiered "Baby Blues" on fri-28-jul-20:00, and NBC opens "Sammy" on tue-08-aug-20:30. "Babylon 5" will start airing weeknights on the SCI FI Channel on mon- 25-sep-19:00, in letterbox format. The SFC show "Sciography" will look behind-the-scenes on sun-24-sep-21:00. [via the Lurker's Guide] "Total Recall 2070" (TR2) is back on NBC-10-WCAU, but they're starting in the middle again. FoxKids is now playing the anime import "Dinozaurs" on Fridays at 15:30 ("X-Men" occupies the other four days in that slot). It features transforming alien robots shaped like dinosaur skeletons fleshed out with iMac candy plastic -- you can find the toy line at your local retailers, of course. Mainframe/Hasbro's CG "Action Man" premiered at sat-5-aug-09:30, and will be back 19-aug. "Beast Machines Transformers" season 2 (subtitled "Battle for the Spark") premiered in the next slot, sat-5-aug-10:00. Also in two weeks, "Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue" season 2 arrives sat-5-aug-08:00, and Yet Another Anime Import, "Escaflowne," will arrive sat-5-aug-11:00. (Will they have all 26 episodes? Who cares; it shoves "Angela Anaconda" off the lineup.) This is a good one -- a schoolgirl wanders onto a parallel Earth colonized by Atlantis, where quasi-feudal knights pilot mecha powered by dragon lifeblood, and aircraft are levitated with floating boulders. Now, how do the editors and dubbers plan to excise the blood and pain of the original? "Tenchi Muyo" (30min) is on the Cartoon Network weekdays at 18:00; "Gundam Wing" at 17:30 and 00:00 Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays at 00:00, and "Dragonball Z" at 00:30, 16:30 and 17:00, on irregular days. Sometimes Europeans complain about US domination of the world's pop- culture marketplace. If the two major US purveyors of cartoons, FoxKids and KidsWB, maintain their current trend of anime imports -- well, the flow in at least one segment will've been reversed. And what we don't get from Japan, we can subcontract to Canada. PRIMETIME ETC. PROGRAMMING... r Lex Brizon 219 -- sfc m 0807-0130 * GWg Catherine's Tears 113 pg ton t 0808-0000 r Buf The Freshman 4abb01 pg wb t 0808-2000 r Ang War Zone 1adh20 14 wb t 0808-2100 r Dil The Dupey 205 pg upn t 0808-2030 * GWg Order to Destroy 114 pg ton w 0809-0000 r 7D The Cuban Missile 716 pg upn w 0809-2000 r Vgr Ashes to Ashes 938/618 pg upn w 0809-2100 * GWg To the Battleground, Antarctica 115 pg ton r 0810-0000 mov Macross II: Lovers Again (1992, 145min) 14 plx r 0810-1835 f 0811-0235 Sim Tree House of Horror V 2f03 -- 29 r 0810-1900 r SAM Supernaked 105 pg upn f 0811-2100 * SG1 Watergate 407 pg sho f 0811-2200 * BB Bitterman Hillbillies 225057 -- wb f 0811-2000 * BB World's Greatest Dad 225052 -- wb f 0811-2030 * Inv Separation Anxiety 109 pg sfc f 0811-2000 f 0811-2300 * FSc Beware of Dog 214 14 sfc f 0811-2100 z 0812-0000 * Lex End of the Universe 220 -- sfc f 0811-2200 z 0812-0100 * GWg Betrayed by Home, Far Away 117 pg ton z 0812-0000 FWv The Harvest 216 14 sfc z 0812-1200 r TR2 Begotten Not Made 111 -- 10 z 0812-1400 r EFC Sanctuary 315 pg 17 z 0812-1600 r SG1 Gamekeeper 204 pg 29 z 0812-1600 Vgr Remember 848/306 pg upn z 0812-1830 r Cle Mind Games 1207 pg 17 z 0812-2000 r JAT Once You Go Jack... 1308 pg 17 z 0812-2030 * Inv The Value of Secrets 108 -- 48 z 0812-2000 SI1 Star Wars 112 -- 35 z 0812-2200 Vgr Remember 848/306 pg upn z 0812-2300 Who Full Circle, part 4 35 z 0812-2300 Who State of Decay, part 1 35 z 0812-2330 r SG1 Prisoners 203 pg 29 s 0813-0400 r Fut The Deep South 2acv12 -- fox s 0813-1900 FWv Rubicon 217 14 sfc s 0813-1900 s 0813-2200 r Sim Back to the Future babf13 -- fox s 0813-2000 r XF Rush 706 -- fox s 0813-2100 r EFC Keep Your Enemies Closer 312 pg 17 s 0813-2330 r Lex End of the Universe 220 -- sfc m 0814-0130 Sim Tree House of Horror IV 1f04 -- 29 m 0814-1900 * GWg Tallgeese Destroyed 118 pg ton t 0815-0000 r Buf Living Conditions 4abb02 -- wb t 0815-2000 r Ang She 1adh13 -- wb t 0815-2100 * GWg Assault on Barge 119 pg ton w 0816-0000 r 7D Playmates and Presidents 222 pg upn w 0816-2000 r Vgr Child's Play 939/619 pg upn w 0816-2100 mov Patlabor the Mobile Police (1989, 105min) plx r 0817-1915 f 0818-0135 abc wpvi-6, cbs kyw-3, fox wtxf-29, ind wgtw-48, ind wfmz-69, nbc wcau-10, pbs whyy-12, pbs wybe-35, upn wpsg-57, wb wphl-17; plx MoviePlex, sfc Sci-Fi Channel, sho Showtime, tnt is TNT, ton Cartoon Network. 7D 7 Days, Ang Angel, B5 Babylon 5, Buf Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Chm Charmed, Cle Cleopatra 2525, Dil Dilbert, EFC Earth: Final Conflict, Fsc Farscape, Fut Futurama, FWv First Wave, GWg Gundam Wing, Inv The Invisible Man, JAT Jack of All Trades, Lex Lexx, Ros Roswell, SAM Secret Agent Man, SG1 StarGate SG-1, SI1 Space Island One, Sim Simpsons, TNG Star Trek: The Next Generation, Vgr Star Trek: Voyager, Who Doctor Who, XF The X-Files. STRIPPED SF... Babylon 5 Weekdays and Saturdays 06:00 1 hour, TV-PG, TNT The Summoning 403 m 0807 Garibaldi returns. Falling Toward Apotheosis 404 t 0808 Londo v. Cartagia, Sheridan v. Kosh. The Long Night 405 w 0809 Shadow WOMD, Ivanova & First Ones. Into the Fire 406 r 0810 We win! Everyone leaves! Epiphanies 407 f 0811 Bester warns B5, Garibaldi resigns. The Illusion of Truth 408 z 0812 Reporter bad-spins indie B5. Atonement 409 m 0814 Delenn, Dukhat, Earth-Minbari war. Racing Mars 410 t 0815 Franklin & Marcus on Mars. Lines of Communication 411 w 0816 Mars resistance, Drakh, Minbari war. Conflicts of Interest 412 r 0817 Garibaldi & Edgars, TP plague. Rumors, Bargains and Lies 413 f 0818 LoNAW defense pack, Minbari war. /** ************************************************************************ * Legalese * Acknowledgments * Opt-in/out Instructions * *********************************************************************** */ The set of creative works herein reviewed and analyzed, including the subset {books, movies, TV shows, toys}, are the property of their respective copyright holders. No infringement or endorsement is expressed, implied or intended. The original reviews and analyses are themselves copyright 2000 by Phillip Thorne. In this issue, certain data have been obtained and aggregated from: AICN aint-it-cool-news.com Corona Upcoming Attractions corona.bc.ca/films/ Excite tv.excite.com FOXKids Shows foxkids.com/foxkids/shows_F.html The Internet Movie Database imdb.com The Lurker's Guide to Bablyon 5 midwinter.com/lurk/lurker.html Star Trek Continuum startrek.com If you're receiving this newsletter, you've probably intentionally subscribed to it. Or possibly you've procrastinated in subscribing and I'm sending it to you anyway. Or maybe you're a family member and I'm demonstrating that I'm still alive. In any case, to cancel your subscription, send an email message to pethorne@earthlink.net with the words "UNSUBSCRIBE NON-SEQUITUR" in the subject line and/or body. Capitalization and punctuation don't matter, since I'm doing this all manually. /** ************************************************************************ * ************************************************************************* * The Non-Sequitur Express * http://nsx.underbase.org/ * Volume 2, Issue 20: Sunday, 06 August 2000 * Copyright 1999-2000 Phillip Thorne, pethorne@earthlink.net * ************************************************************************* * *********************************************************************** */